Scaredy Cat

I wish I still knew what the word beautiful meant.

I wish the world still knew what the word beautiful meant. 

I wish I was a mirror because I'd reflect only the good, and I'd extinguish the bad...thoughts because all of you is beautiful. 

I wish car trips weren't so long, and the weather was always warm so I could be tan and forever feel free. 

I wish growing up wasn't a real thing, and I'd always be accepted wearing my overalls and carrying my spongebob lunchbox. 

Because I've never felt anything less than beautiful in my overalls. 

I wish I could take credit for the way the sky was painted...but I could never mix the right colors together, and my hands are red from the ruler slaps. 

I wish cats could talk, and my mom would stop because I just can't make her understand how badly I don't want to leave her. 

I'd crush  crayons into my soup if it meant my mom would still make it for me. I'd rub glitter in my eyes for more time with grandpa. I'd forever sit next to the kid who poops his pants if it meant I could forever peel Elmer's glue off my hands and feel good about it. I'll always ask the daisy's if he loves me if they'll always tell me that he does. I'll go back to wearing my Barbie backpack because...god that thing was magic. 

And when I found it

in the cold storage,

I took my graduation announcements

and hid them in it, 

I locked it away 

in my password protected journal

and I started to cry. 

Then I wrote a letter, 

Dear Mom, (written in crayon)

Let me start off by admitting something, I carved maddies name into your desk all those years ago. I'm sorry I blamed it on the neighbor girl, but she was always a bitch anyways. I'm sorry I flipped off the old lady next door, and I'm REALLY sorry she got out of the car and yelled at me. I'm sorry I always cried when you left, and I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner when that babysitter touched us...I'm sorry that it wouldn't have made a difference. I read you everything I write and I'm sorry that you'll never see this because I watched you cry today at the thought of me leaving and you can't know how scared I am...but mommy...I am so damn scared. 

I'm tired of everyone telling me I should feel beautiful because my boyfriend thinks so. 

I don't feel beautiful. 

I feel old. 

And my tear stained overalls will never fit me again.

Daveni.