Second Chances

(I read this at open mic, but it means a lot to me so I thought I'd post it up on my blog for anybody that didn't get to hear it.) 

It's 1 minute past 8 o'clock and I'm still speechless. The words I wish I could say to the man that helped raise me are stuck in my throat like bricks. My insides are liquid. My lips bleed from the stuttered words that are forever caught in them. They cut like razor blades, and when unheard, stab like knifes. I've tried to shed this invisibility suit too many times to count, but it's stapled to my thighs and sutured to my fingertips. I'd peel every cell from

 these bones if it meant you'd see me dad. 

The past has shaped who I am today, and thank god it's given me wings.  Made up of smiles, and memories, and lessons learned. They're beautiful if only you'd take the time to look. But all you see is the teenage angst and late nights I walked through the door an hour or two past curfew, or the meetings I had with my bishop about heartbreak...because that's all it was dad. God called it  sin. Mom called it human nature. You called it disappointment. And I called it heartbreak, and my broken heart called it a cry for help, and in the early hours of the morning I helplessly cried for you. I needed you like the grass needs the sun, but the light I so desperately craved was aimed towards a computer screen and giving nutrients to a worry free life you thought was needed. 

I wanted so badly for you to be proud of me, but you've only ever been proud of the thought of me...that people thought your daughter was beautiful and well spoken and smart...except I've never felt those things because not once have I heard them leave your mouth so they could enter my ears, and I needed that. I needed you to tell me I was all those things and more so that I could finally believe them...but you couldn't. You couldn't tell me that I was smart. You couldn't tell me that I was beautiful. And you couldn't tell me I was well-spoken. You couldn't wrap your arms around me when I cried. You couldn't threaten to kill the redhead that stole my soul. You couldn't be on time to anything that's ever mattered to me. You couldn't understand why I lost myself when I lost my bestfriend to cancer. And I don't think you'll ever understand why an hour of words won't fix 7 years of silence...but I'll forever try to force you to understand that as long as I'm still forcing air in and out of these lungs, I'll forever give you second chances because I'm hoping that one day you'll see past these worn out wings and take one. 

These Lights Remind Me of You.

 

Daveni.

(Dave-en-ni)

Scaredy Cat

I wish I still knew what the word beautiful meant.

I wish the world still knew what the word beautiful meant. 

I wish I was a mirror because I'd reflect only the good, and I'd extinguish the bad...thoughts because all of you is beautiful. 

I wish car trips weren't so long, and the weather was always warm so I could be tan and forever feel free. 

I wish growing up wasn't a real thing, and I'd always be accepted wearing my overalls and carrying my spongebob lunchbox. 

Because I've never felt anything less than beautiful in my overalls. 

I wish I could take credit for the way the sky was painted...but I could never mix the right colors together, and my hands are red from the ruler slaps. 

I wish cats could talk, and my mom would stop because I just can't make her understand how badly I don't want to leave her. 

I'd crush  crayons into my soup if it meant my mom would still make it for me. I'd rub glitter in my eyes for more time with grandpa. I'd forever sit next to the kid who poops his pants if it meant I could forever peel Elmer's glue off my hands and feel good about it. I'll always ask the daisy's if he loves me if they'll always tell me that he does. I'll go back to wearing my Barbie backpack because...god that thing was magic. 

And when I found it

in the cold storage,

I took my graduation announcements

and hid them in it, 

I locked it away 

in my password protected journal

and I started to cry. 

Then I wrote a letter, 

Dear Mom, (written in crayon)

Let me start off by admitting something, I carved maddies name into your desk all those years ago. I'm sorry I blamed it on the neighbor girl, but she was always a bitch anyways. I'm sorry I flipped off the old lady next door, and I'm REALLY sorry she got out of the car and yelled at me. I'm sorry I always cried when you left, and I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner when that babysitter touched us...I'm sorry that it wouldn't have made a difference. I read you everything I write and I'm sorry that you'll never see this because I watched you cry today at the thought of me leaving and you can't know how scared I am...but mommy...I am so damn scared. 

I'm tired of everyone telling me I should feel beautiful because my boyfriend thinks so. 

I don't feel beautiful. 

I feel old. 

And my tear stained overalls will never fit me again.

Daveni.

Stardust

You've got planets for eyes and they're so easy to get lost in. I wish I could sort through my feelings for you because you don't deserve the question marks. But they surround my every waking thought and I can't seem to push past them when my mind wanders on to the subject of you.

Gravity' got me in a chokehold this time and my fingers are extended to anything that might ground me. Please...please. I'm begging you to ground me because I'm getting space-sick. I've been going in circles for eternity on Saturns rings and I'm forever caught in Jupiters orbit because he's got such a beautiful smile...

I can't decide if I want you, but I don't want anyone else to ever kiss you the way I have and I still haven't decided what that means yet. And the thought of you blasting off in your space ship to bigger and better things makes me cringe, and the missing-you feeling I get is sometimes too much to handle...

This gum I'm chewing has lost all of it's flavor and maybe that's a metaphor...but I'm probably thinking too much into this because I just want to feel inspired again. But every time those stars fill my stomach, I remember I've got a project to finish and piano to practice and suddenly none of it seems important anymore. 

And it sucks.

Maybe I'd feel more inspired if I stopped fighting with my mom. And maybe I need to extend my bed time because beautiful words usually come easier after dark. Maybe I need to stop staring at Jupiters smile because I know he's stringing Pluto along too, and everybody knows she's not even a planet anymore. 

But 

        Neither 

                      Am 

                                 I...

I never was. 

Daveni.

Rantings..

Maybe we're all more lost then we'd care to admit. Maybe we're all stuck, and maybe we're all scared and maybe this isn't real life and none of us are as cool as we think we are. Maybe God isn't real, and maybe he is. And maybe he laughs at us when we fail. And maybe I'm just pessimistic. Maybe life is going to keep moving regardless of if we fall and scrape our knees as we sprint to keep up with it. And maybe it will slow down and help us up. Maybe I'll cut my hair short and stop writing. Maybe I'll start going to bed early and stop staring at the stars. And maybe that will never happen, but maybe these were thoughts that crossed my mind. Maybe I don't even know why I'm writing this and maybe you'll never understand it. And maybe that's not even important. Maybe none of this is important and I'm really sorry about that.

Real Lies

My bones are telling me to scream. 

They're screaming at me to stop. 

They're telling me to sit down, 

They're forcing me to accept help...

And I don't need any help.

My brain is telling me I'm healthy...

and my bones are weeping. 

They're crying because I'm supposed to be helping them. 

But I'm walking around on knees that buckle with every step. 

My bones told me to kiss him,

and my knees were weak for so many different reasons, 

and he held me. 

My bones told me to miss my childhood.

And I did. 

My bones told me to be careful.

And I wasn't. 

My ears told me to stop listening to these old twisted bones,

And I listened to my ears because they're pretty good at that sort of thing. 

My feet told me it was okay to walk

and I trusted them 

Because they never complained when I refused to put shoes on. 

And my toes always forgave me 

when I ran into the counter.

I told my eyes to stop watering,

but they do what they want. 

My eyes told me to get some sleep,

but the stars were telling me to stay awake.

My bones are begging and pleading,

and my heart's trying to help them

because she's always cared 

more than I have... 

I want to listen to them...

I really do. 

But pride keeps telling my bones

to shut up. 

Daveni.

I'm sorry this doesn't make any sense.

I'm surrounded by people that call me "friend"...but are we really? You slink into the shadows whenever I'm near and let the words that break my heart slip from the same mouths that show teeth when you see me. I guess you're growling instead of smiling.
Now I feel stupid.
I'm broken you know?

Dear brown eyed boy,
I'm broken.
Can you hear me? I'm broken.
There's a reason why I surround myself with lies and fake smiles.
There's a reason I keep my fingernails painted, and my thoughts to myself.
There's a reason why I have scabs on my face.
There's a reason why I've started sleeping with socks on.
There's a reason to why I laugh at inappropriate times and have recently awarded myself the most awkward human being medallion.
There's a reason I wear this ring on my middle finger and cry for no reason, but there's always a reason.
There's a reason why I hardly ever make sense.
There's a reason why I bite my fingernails and I always find myself staring at people for too long.
Staring at you for too long.
There's a reason I'm broken,
and it's because I'm incapable of loving and I'm so scared of you.
I stay detached because it's easier then forever being heartbroken.
Mr. Brown eyes...please don't break my heart because my family likes you more then I do and I know my mom can't watch me cry anymore.
I'll be your forever best friend if you promise to still like me when I wake up with bed head and  breath that could take down a small herd of elephants.
I'll always keep you smiling if you promise to always open my car door because as silly as it sounds, it drives me crazy. (In the good way)
I'll make you feel important if you promise to leave me alone when I'm angry, but still hold me when I'm crying.
I'll support you in anything and everything you do if you promise to always look at me like you're seeing something that nobody else sees.
I'll stop saying the f-word if you promise to start, because I think it's so sexy when you swear. I'm pathetic.
I'll always write beautiful words about you if you promise to sing for me whenever I ask you to.
I'll let go of this heartache and these fake friends if you promise to hold my hand through it because I'm scared of you, but I'm scared of this to, and I need you more then I'll ever admit.
Please hold me in place when I start to run, because I promise...I'll run.
Don't let me go.
Thanks.

Love,
Daveni Rush