Commitment Issues

Don't worry sis.

One day I'll let him love me. One day I'll let him sweep me off my feet and not be worried about my weight. One day I'll let him tell me I'm beautiful, and I'll believe him. One day I'll let him hold my hand in front of tons of people and I won't be worried about what they think. One day I'll find my bestfriend that I can't imagine spending a day without...but that day hasn't come yet...

Mostly because boys scare me.

People in general scare me.
Okay?

Commitment issues.

I believe that's what I have. I toss the word  love around like it's a frisby and I'm playing fetch with my dog. But I keep forgetting that this dog can throw back and I'm not very good at catching. In fact, I'm  terrified of it. Slippery fingers and a broken heart don't make for a good baseball player and I'm sorry about that. I'm desperately trying to be good at sports for you because I really don't feel like running away again...

But maybe with you it'd be different.

  I think I could let myself be happy.
                                                                Even if only for a moment in time.

I've never met somebody who gets me as perfectly as you do, and if you knew how much that freaked me out you'd probably stop finishing my sentences.

When I'm with you, I'm okay with the fact that I snort when I laugh because I know you're waiting for it,

And I'm still waiting for you.

I wish I could tell you that. That I'm still waiting for you to remember that you love me. And some might say 'realize" is a more appropriate word but I want to believe that it's always been there. That as an eighth grader you felt those same butterfly's that I did, and that when you started dating that one girl you were really just too scared to ask me, which is fine.

I would have said no.

I would have said no because your smile is just too perfect and I spend too much time trying not to stare because I always find you looking back at me, and mother always taught me to play hard to get. And I'm really trying mom.

Pinky Promise.

I'm really trying to be okay with this whole "just friends" thing because I'm the one who initiated it and you laughed at the thought of anything more. Not even knowing that with each beautiful sounding cackle bits and pieces of my heart were breaking off and floating through space and I want so badly for you to zip up your space suit and find them for me...

Because I'd really like them back now.

I'd really like you to give them back now.

And I'm scared because I never thought the word cackle could sound beautiful but you make it sound lovely. And that's the worst because I know that you'd laugh if you read this poem... and you'd run if you knew it was about you.

And I'm the one that's supposed to do all the running.

You know how it is *cough cough* commitment issues.

Daveni.