Stardust

You've got planets for eyes and they're so easy to get lost in. I wish I could sort through my feelings for you because you don't deserve the question marks. But they surround my every waking thought and I can't seem to push past them when my mind wanders on to the subject of you.

Gravity' got me in a chokehold this time and my fingers are extended to anything that might ground me. Please...please. I'm begging you to ground me because I'm getting space-sick. I've been going in circles for eternity on Saturns rings and I'm forever caught in Jupiters orbit because he's got such a beautiful smile...

I can't decide if I want you, but I don't want anyone else to ever kiss you the way I have and I still haven't decided what that means yet. And the thought of you blasting off in your space ship to bigger and better things makes me cringe, and the missing-you feeling I get is sometimes too much to handle...

This gum I'm chewing has lost all of it's flavor and maybe that's a metaphor...but I'm probably thinking too much into this because I just want to feel inspired again. But every time those stars fill my stomach, I remember I've got a project to finish and piano to practice and suddenly none of it seems important anymore. 

And it sucks.

Maybe I'd feel more inspired if I stopped fighting with my mom. And maybe I need to extend my bed time because beautiful words usually come easier after dark. Maybe I need to stop staring at Jupiters smile because I know he's stringing Pluto along too, and everybody knows she's not even a planet anymore. 

But 

        Neither 

                      Am 

                                 I...

I never was. 

Daveni.

Rantings..

Maybe we're all more lost then we'd care to admit. Maybe we're all stuck, and maybe we're all scared and maybe this isn't real life and none of us are as cool as we think we are. Maybe God isn't real, and maybe he is. And maybe he laughs at us when we fail. And maybe I'm just pessimistic. Maybe life is going to keep moving regardless of if we fall and scrape our knees as we sprint to keep up with it. And maybe it will slow down and help us up. Maybe I'll cut my hair short and stop writing. Maybe I'll start going to bed early and stop staring at the stars. And maybe that will never happen, but maybe these were thoughts that crossed my mind. Maybe I don't even know why I'm writing this and maybe you'll never understand it. And maybe that's not even important. Maybe none of this is important and I'm really sorry about that.

Real Lies

My bones are telling me to scream. 

They're screaming at me to stop. 

They're telling me to sit down, 

They're forcing me to accept help...

And I don't need any help.

My brain is telling me I'm healthy...

and my bones are weeping. 

They're crying because I'm supposed to be helping them. 

But I'm walking around on knees that buckle with every step. 

My bones told me to kiss him,

and my knees were weak for so many different reasons, 

and he held me. 

My bones told me to miss my childhood.

And I did. 

My bones told me to be careful.

And I wasn't. 

My ears told me to stop listening to these old twisted bones,

And I listened to my ears because they're pretty good at that sort of thing. 

My feet told me it was okay to walk

and I trusted them 

Because they never complained when I refused to put shoes on. 

And my toes always forgave me 

when I ran into the counter.

I told my eyes to stop watering,

but they do what they want. 

My eyes told me to get some sleep,

but the stars were telling me to stay awake.

My bones are begging and pleading,

and my heart's trying to help them

because she's always cared 

more than I have... 

I want to listen to them...

I really do. 

But pride keeps telling my bones

to shut up. 

Daveni.

I'm sorry this doesn't make any sense.

I'm surrounded by people that call me "friend"...but are we really? You slink into the shadows whenever I'm near and let the words that break my heart slip from the same mouths that show teeth when you see me. I guess you're growling instead of smiling.
Now I feel stupid.
I'm broken you know?

Dear brown eyed boy,
I'm broken.
Can you hear me? I'm broken.
There's a reason why I surround myself with lies and fake smiles.
There's a reason I keep my fingernails painted, and my thoughts to myself.
There's a reason why I have scabs on my face.
There's a reason why I've started sleeping with socks on.
There's a reason to why I laugh at inappropriate times and have recently awarded myself the most awkward human being medallion.
There's a reason I wear this ring on my middle finger and cry for no reason, but there's always a reason.
There's a reason why I hardly ever make sense.
There's a reason why I bite my fingernails and I always find myself staring at people for too long.
Staring at you for too long.
There's a reason I'm broken,
and it's because I'm incapable of loving and I'm so scared of you.
I stay detached because it's easier then forever being heartbroken.
Mr. Brown eyes...please don't break my heart because my family likes you more then I do and I know my mom can't watch me cry anymore.
I'll be your forever best friend if you promise to still like me when I wake up with bed head and  breath that could take down a small herd of elephants.
I'll always keep you smiling if you promise to always open my car door because as silly as it sounds, it drives me crazy. (In the good way)
I'll make you feel important if you promise to leave me alone when I'm angry, but still hold me when I'm crying.
I'll support you in anything and everything you do if you promise to always look at me like you're seeing something that nobody else sees.
I'll stop saying the f-word if you promise to start, because I think it's so sexy when you swear. I'm pathetic.
I'll always write beautiful words about you if you promise to sing for me whenever I ask you to.
I'll let go of this heartache and these fake friends if you promise to hold my hand through it because I'm scared of you, but I'm scared of this to, and I need you more then I'll ever admit.
Please hold me in place when I start to run, because I promise...I'll run.
Don't let me go.
Thanks.

Love,
Daveni Rush

A Few Days Late.

The 14th of March came and went and the words I promised myself I would write were lost in the chaos of reliving her funeral a year later. The promises I carved into my arm to make sure I'd never forget the words in my head faded with my current situations and I salute those that are forever remembering because The Lord never blessed me with that gift. And I feel that this should have been my post on fear because I was too scared to say the words that were forming on my lips because they're carying the tears I've been working so hard to hold in and I spent way to much money on these flowers to soak them again. 

I don't want your face to fade from my memory, but now you've got stars for eyes and the ocean for hair. I've got floaties around my arms like I'm 5 again because I just can't remember how to swim...but I'm learning. Everyday I learn how to stay afloat on my own. And at first I was content with drowning. I was ready for the ice in my veins to finally let me sink to the bottom...but I'm learning that maybe breathing is okay, so I gasp and gulp for big breathes of air and I'm swallowing oxygen like it's going out of style because I've realized that I need to live for her.

And dammit. Now I'm crying... But she still needs me. And I need her more then I'd care to admit...because what can a dead girl give me? What am I supposed to do when the most amazing person I've ever known is in the sky and I'm still here laying in the grass looking for her face in the clouds? And her family has left a river of tears too wide to jump across and the current keeps sweeping me and my pathetic floaties away. How do I tell her mother that each day is a struggle when I can still see the pain in her eyes? How do I even look her in the eyes when mine are filled with tears? But I want her to know that I have hope. I have so much hope it's like the sun and it's blinding everybody who looks. It's drying my tears and warming my veins. 

And I know she's doing this.

I know I'm supposed to live the life that was cut short for her, and that's inspiring.  She was inspiring. She was all the compliments that have ever been given, and so much more. She's teaching me how to swim again... And one day I'll swim across the ocean that is her, instead of drowning in it, and the gold medal they hang across my neck will lay at the foot of her grave, 

Because this is all for our families, who never want to see us sleeping with the fishes.

 

Because this is all for me.

Because this is all for God.

Because this is all for her.

Daveni.

Long Talks With Mom

Daveni.

Over-thinking Most Things.

I'm falling again. 

          I've fallen again.

                    I've hit rock bottom again.

I'm just so tired of this gut wrenching feeling. I'm tired of my heart dropping into my stomach, because I'm trying to stay healthy. The doctor always tells me the same thing... 

Doctor: "Well my dear, it's quite simple really, Just stop falling. 

Me: "see ya next month" 

I'm trying doc. 

         I've tried again doc.

                       I've failed again doc.

And I'm bleeding from head to toe in tears and now I'm running. 

I jog across blue lines, and sprint the red ones, and I find myself lost in my keyboard, trying to find the words to describe how alone I feel. How ugly, and useless, and forgotten I feel....and there just aren't any. The river of words has run dry and I'm pawing at the earth trying to scrape up just an ounce of courage to go on but it's late.... And the wind has chilled to me to the bone. It's impossible to move on when you've frozen my feet to the ground and carved our memories into my head.

I'm scared I might have jumped into the wrong group of friends and jealousy's the leader. That bitch keeps screaming in my ears and scaring away my friends. She's molding me into something I'm not and I'm sorry....I'm just so sorry.

You're known by the company you keep and I'm working so hard to claw my way free, but every time he looks at her I give up and jealousy calls me her bestfriend again and I cringe.

It's a love hate relationship. 

I'm bitter and she's beautiful. 

I know it's a leap of faith, but I'm begging for a chance to make you happy. Because even though I may not be confident in myself just yet, I'm confident in us. I'm confident that you could keep me laughing even on the darkest days and it feels worth it.

I know I'm not the most beautiful, but I've got a personality for miles. I didn't score as high as you on the ACT but I'm smart enough to know you're not as tough as you seem. I'm not as mature as she is...but neither are you so don't start with me.

These words are spilling out of my head faster then I can write them and for a moment I'm capable of scaring jealousy away and for a moment I feel bad for the girl I consider a friend because I want her to be as happy as I dream of being. 

In all honesty, I'm stuck. I don't know what to do, or what to write. 

I'm egging jealousy's house tomorrow.

#Feelings

The way you are with kids, you taking naps, your sleepy voice, waking up next to you, holding your hand, your head on my shoulder, your laugh, your eyes,

 You you you.

 It's these things that make my stomach erupt in butterflies and I hate it.

 I absolutely hate it.