Over-thinking Most Things.

I'm falling again. 

          I've fallen again.

                    I've hit rock bottom again.

I'm just so tired of this gut wrenching feeling. I'm tired of my heart dropping into my stomach, because I'm trying to stay healthy. The doctor always tells me the same thing... 

Doctor: "Well my dear, it's quite simple really, Just stop falling. 

Me: "see ya next month" 

I'm trying doc. 

         I've tried again doc.

                       I've failed again doc.

And I'm bleeding from head to toe in tears and now I'm running. 

I jog across blue lines, and sprint the red ones, and I find myself lost in my keyboard, trying to find the words to describe how alone I feel. How ugly, and useless, and forgotten I feel....and there just aren't any. The river of words has run dry and I'm pawing at the earth trying to scrape up just an ounce of courage to go on but it's late.... And the wind has chilled to me to the bone. It's impossible to move on when you've frozen my feet to the ground and carved our memories into my head.

I'm scared I might have jumped into the wrong group of friends and jealousy's the leader. That bitch keeps screaming in my ears and scaring away my friends. She's molding me into something I'm not and I'm sorry....I'm just so sorry.

You're known by the company you keep and I'm working so hard to claw my way free, but every time he looks at her I give up and jealousy calls me her bestfriend again and I cringe.

It's a love hate relationship. 

I'm bitter and she's beautiful. 

I know it's a leap of faith, but I'm begging for a chance to make you happy. Because even though I may not be confident in myself just yet, I'm confident in us. I'm confident that you could keep me laughing even on the darkest days and it feels worth it.

I know I'm not the most beautiful, but I've got a personality for miles. I didn't score as high as you on the ACT but I'm smart enough to know you're not as tough as you seem. I'm not as mature as she is...but neither are you so don't start with me.

These words are spilling out of my head faster then I can write them and for a moment I'm capable of scaring jealousy away and for a moment I feel bad for the girl I consider a friend because I want her to be as happy as I dream of being. 

In all honesty, I'm stuck. I don't know what to do, or what to write. 

I'm egging jealousy's house tomorrow.