A Few Days Late.

The 14th of March came and went and the words I promised myself I would write were lost in the chaos of reliving her funeral a year later. The promises I carved into my arm to make sure I'd never forget the words in my head faded with my current situations and I salute those that are forever remembering because The Lord never blessed me with that gift. And I feel that this should have been my post on fear because I was too scared to say the words that were forming on my lips because they're carying the tears I've been working so hard to hold in and I spent way to much money on these flowers to soak them again. 

I don't want your face to fade from my memory, but now you've got stars for eyes and the ocean for hair. I've got floaties around my arms like I'm 5 again because I just can't remember how to swim...but I'm learning. Everyday I learn how to stay afloat on my own. And at first I was content with drowning. I was ready for the ice in my veins to finally let me sink to the bottom...but I'm learning that maybe breathing is okay, so I gasp and gulp for big breathes of air and I'm swallowing oxygen like it's going out of style because I've realized that I need to live for her.

And dammit. Now I'm crying... But she still needs me. And I need her more then I'd care to admit...because what can a dead girl give me? What am I supposed to do when the most amazing person I've ever known is in the sky and I'm still here laying in the grass looking for her face in the clouds? And her family has left a river of tears too wide to jump across and the current keeps sweeping me and my pathetic floaties away. How do I tell her mother that each day is a struggle when I can still see the pain in her eyes? How do I even look her in the eyes when mine are filled with tears? But I want her to know that I have hope. I have so much hope it's like the sun and it's blinding everybody who looks. It's drying my tears and warming my veins. 

And I know she's doing this.

I know I'm supposed to live the life that was cut short for her, and that's inspiring.  She was inspiring. She was all the compliments that have ever been given, and so much more. She's teaching me how to swim again... And one day I'll swim across the ocean that is her, instead of drowning in it, and the gold medal they hang across my neck will lay at the foot of her grave, 

Because this is all for our families, who never want to see us sleeping with the fishes.

 

Because this is all for me.

Because this is all for God.

Because this is all for her.

Daveni.